From Fall 2016 –
“Death with Dignity” by Sufjan Stevens – Carrie and Lowell
Carrie and Lowell’s opening song begins with the sort of melodic, cold, yet beautiful guitar picking heard throughout the album. The simplicity of the sound evokes the emotional landscape of a cold rainy drizzle. His voice undulates between a soft, controlled tone and a shrill, vibrant croon, creating a sense of being haunted – perhaps by the death of his mother, or maybe, death itself. Throughout the song, Sufjan is perplexed at where to make any sort of new beginning in his life after his experience of loss. His mother’s ghost chases him through his mind as he realizes, in the hollowest part of the song, that she will never see him ever again. The instruments blur as the song fades.
The opening of the song reminds me distinctly of the beginning of the fall of my second year. On a rainy day in the cold of my basement apartment, I’d often sit in my bed and dither awhile on my phone. As I had few friends to visit, and the
thought of engaging in small talk with my new housemates intimidated me, music and whatever else I could find on my phone and computer typically occupied my thoughts. I desired greatly to seek God, and possibly to experience love in a new, deep sense. Time had passed, and new opportunities to make things right in life and to find all the missing pieces I had lost somewhere on the road through adolescence approached. However, a creeping anxiety strangely began to work itself into all areas of my life during that time. I never fully understood this anxiety or where it came from.
After everything that happened, my only thought was that it might have been a seasonal depression of some sort…
As helpless as one is to stop winter from its inevitable chill, so too does one feel active depression trickle into your life when it comes. It is this trickle of inexplicable sadness or worry that the song so starkly reminds me of. The feeling that life is becoming cold, and I don’t know where to begin, or what to do about it. After the initial rush of such thoughts, you sometimes discover something terrible, the awareness that amidst all the considerations of your future life – of life and love and all your earthly dreams – looms death, as immense and inevitable as ever.
Where Words Increase 